Su Mo, a young Chinese lady, met her fiancé Dyke, who is an Australian, in Xi’an. They dated for three years and plan to get married in Australia at New Year. As the big day approaches, the two families have found themselves in dispute over a 'dowry'.

Su’s parents asked for 100,000 yuan ($16,000) as a ‘bride price’. She said that her fiancé had not worked for long and had few savings. Su explained the matter to her parents. “To my astonishment , my father wants my parents-in-law to pay the rest of the dowry.”

Su’s Australian mother-in-law refused even to consider the proposal, saying “No! No way!” Western parents think there should be a good reason before they will pay a bill for their grown-up children. According to Su, her fiancé has never asked for money since he grew up. For example, her fiancé wanted a camera of his father’s. In order to get it, he earned his own money and bought it from his father at a second hand price.

When his family went on a trip, family members basically paid their own bills separately. They are independent in terms of their finances. Su has no idea how to deal with the cultural gap between a Chinese family and an Australian on education and customs. 

Even in China, a dowry claim in the order of 100,000 yuan or more is an exception rather than the norm. Su knows Dyke's parents mean well, but at the same time she does not want to embarrass her fiancé. She knows that other Chinese relatives have often told her parents that western families are well-off, so that they should ask for a lot of money.

"My parents thought that the greater the amount, the more face our family would have around the neighbors," Su Mo says. She is sure that her parents intended to save the money for her rather than spending it.

Although in many western countries, there is no longer any tradition of dowries, Su's relatives took the view that Dyke's family should respect Chinese culture if they were going to have a Chinese daughter-in-law. 

"Having a wedding in Australia will cost a lot. There is no money left for dowries," Su Mo says. “If my parents attend my wedding in Australia, the visa fee for them is 2000 yuan. Round-trip tickets for my parents will cost at least 15,000 yuan, not to mention their board and lodging in Australia. Su estimates that 200,000 yuan will barely cover their costs.

Song Qiang, a Chinese lawyer, says that the dowry is only a civil custom, with no legal status. 

According to Chinese law, marriage upon arbitrary decision by any third party, mercenary marriage, and any other acts of interference in the freedom of marriage are prohibited. The exaction of money or gifts in connection with marriage is also prohibited.

National registered counselor Liu Yao says that communication is the key to bridging the cultural difference in relationships. Marriages also need a run-in period. For Chinese parents, if your daughter is happy to live with her western husband, the amount of any dowry should be less important than the happiness of your daughter. There is a saying in Chinese that a good son-in-law brings good fortune to three generations. For western parents, the dowry is a wedding tradition of days gone by rather than a way of earning money, as it is still seen by some Chinese people.